Here’s a really simple way to evaluate men. Let’s just put men into two categories. One group of men we’ll call fabulous and the other will be those that are strong (steady).
Realize with all things, this isn’t to say that there are men who are entirely fabulous or that there are men who are only strong and steady. Usually, a ratio of 60-40 is a good measurement. These are going to be their predominant way of relating to you and relating to the world around them.
Fabulous men are those who tend to go more up and down with their moods. When they are feeling energized and good about themselves, they can be very exciting but also very intimate, quiet, and focused.
They have the ability to use their intuition at times to almost read a woman’s mind.
They may or may not be loud and they may not be the life of the party, but there is an emotional connection that a woman feels with a man like this that seems almost magical and effortless. This is the type of man that a woman is most likely to say, “We just clicked when we first met. It was as though he could read my mind.”
This type of man has the ability to make a woman feel very excited, energized, alive, and passionate.
A strong and steady man doesn’t have the mood swings that the fabulous one does. It’s not that he can’t be empathetic. It’s not that he can’t be engaging and kind and gracious. It’s just that this type of man usually takes longer to get to know before you feel any of these things from him.
These men tend to be a little more guarded with their feelings and have their relationships move at a slower pace. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a man that professed his love early in the relationship, you are almost assuredly not dealing with this type.
A strong and steady man is safe and a bit more predictable than his counterpart, Mr. Fabulous.
Now initially, when I mention these two types of men, the obvious answer from most women is, “I want Mr. Fabulous.” I mean, based on what I just told you – who wouldn’t want someone exciting? If that’s all there was to these two types, the choice would be obvious.
But there’s a downside that each of these types carries with them.
A man that has a fabulous ability is often moody.
That same quality that enables him to be intuitive and in touch with a woman’s feelings means he is going to be more in touch with his own feelings, even the darker ones.
He’s not going to be as good at containing his doubts as “Mr. Strong and Steady”.
The fabulous man is going to be one who will be more likely to experience doubts about a relationship once it is going well. Thinking that he’s gotten into a relationship and it is gone fast and effortless, this type of man will tend to think that the relationship should stay effortless forever. Once it’s not effortless, and there is the first inclination of boredom or the first disagreement comes about, he begins to question the entire relationship.
Some of his skepticism could be because of his childhood experiences and past unresolved issues. But even with years of therapy, this type of man will always have a tendency, even if it’s slight, to have doubts about a relationship from time to time because he’s more feeling-oriented than a man who is more stable.
The fabulous man is very exciting but the downside is that his doubts and impatience will scare you from time to time.
A strong and steady man is more predictable and, therefore, safer. This type of man is not going to have a lot of doubts once he has decided he cares for a woman. He will not have the mood swings because he does not get as high from excitement as often.
The strong and steady type does not rely on the intensity of feelings that a fabulous man does. He feels deeply, but it takes him longer to achieve this emotional bond with a woman, and there is less concern of him being unfaithful.
The downside of this type of man is that, at times, he will be a little boring.
In reality, he really isn’t boring, but whenever anything is safe, it feels a little dull. A safe job, a safe stock, and safe friends aren’t as exciting because there isn’t as much to lose. The strong and steady man, because of his predictability, won’t provide as many emotional swings that some women crave. Many women love the drama that comes with relationships.
When I explain the two types of men with a client, inevitably they say, “I like a mixture of both.” Remember, every man is a mixture of both, but they will have one primary style of relating to the world.
If you insist on having a perfect mixture of both (50-50), then what you really want in a husband is a father figure.
My daughter at the time of writing this article was three years old. As her father, I am supposed to be fabulous and strong. What enables me to be both with her is that I am completely in charge of her life. I do not depend on my daughter for my emotional well being.
If a man were to be equally both types, he wouldn’t need a woman in his life, unless he’s looking for a woman to dominate. He doesn’t need anyone to make him complete. He’s complete in and of himself, or in other words, he’s narcissistic.
So the simple version about determining what type of man you want is to ask yourself this question: would you rather have a man that is going to scare you at times (with his self-doubts or temper) or would you rather have a man who will bore you at times (with his steadiness and strength)?
Not all the time, not even most of the time, but these uncomfortable traits will appear because every gift comes with a shadow.
Remember, you can have either type of man you want, but the type of man you pick determines how you have to interact with him to maintain a relationship.