I’m often asked by women how they can tell if a man is good for them. Usually what they want to know is how they can make sure they don’t pick someone who is going to hurt them, again. In an attempt to avoid having another man turn out to be a loser, many of my clients try and look for imperfections in the first two or three dates as some sort of screening process. However, while it is possible to spot a man of poor character during this time, at the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy for a man to hide his flaws.
Often women are looking at the wrong characteristics of a man as a measure of whether he is really as wonderful as he seems. They might try and catch him in a lie, or perhaps they examine the exact intent of every word he has spoken during their date while looking for some hidden clue as to what lurks deep in his subconscious.
Ladies, I have to tell you that most men are very good at telling a woman what she wants to hear; especially when it’s only for an evening. But believe it or not, these men aren’t always lying. In fact, when a man is very attentive and caring, he is usually being quite genuine and sincere, at that particular moment.
The True Test
The only way to know for sure if a man is as good as he seems is to observe him when he is angry or upset. Please notice I didn’t say annoyed or just a little frustrated. I mean when he is upset to the point where he feels overwhelmed. In those moments, you will see how he truly manages himself because he’ll also be showing you how he handles and controls his raw emotions.
Does he become withdrawn and not want to speak with you for hours or days?
Does he lash out and attack you when he’s upset?
Perhaps he becomes extremely sarcastic?
Does he realize how upset he is and make an attempt to try and resolve a conflict? Or does he ask for some emotional space and reassure you that he is not trying to punish you?
I realize that this can require some time to see him in this state, but you certainly wouldn’t want to pick a fight just to discover his coping methods. What you should do is make sure the relationship goes slowly and not evolve into a relationship that is difficult. I have told many clients this phrase, “A relationship doesn’t begin until after your first fight.” Be patient.
Feeling Safe & Special
What makes a man wonderful is not just that he makes you feel special; he also needs to make you feel safe. Many women try to combine the two, but they are not the same. It is easy for a man to make a woman feel special. It is much harder for a man to not become harsh with a woman when he is upset so she feels safe.
When a man can make you feel both, you’ve got something special. How a man responds when he is upset will determine how safe you feel with him. Without that security of knowing that he is strong enough to not punish you harshly when he is upset, you will never be able to trust him the way you or he wants.
Determine now what bonding stage your man is in.
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