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A Deeper Connection

What To Do When Everything You Say to One Another Turns into a Fight…

October 20, 2014
by Susie & Otto Collins
It can happen in the best of relationships… You used to get along so well and then it’s like a switch was thrown and now you can’t talk to one another about anything without it turning into a huge fight. No matter what it’s about, the result is the same…
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You and your partner get defensive and either attack or shut down and withdraw from each other.

Whatever happens, you feel more distant, you don’t feel connected and you don’t know how to change it.

If this goes on for any length of time, it may even end the relationship.

If you’re ready to get out of your damaging relationship spiral, here are some ideas to help you shift your situation and help you create more of
the love what you want…

1. Learn what your particular communication style is and why your partner is challenged at times by it.

This is certainly not making you wrong or laying blame on just you.

It’s that healing can start with you paying attention to what complaints your partner has with how you communicate.

The trick here is to listen with curiosity without getting defensive (not easy we know but definitely worth the effort).

For instance, you might be a “linear” type man or woman and once you start on your “story” or explanation, you don’t want to be interrupted.

But what the other person can feel is that he or she is being talked “to” and there’s no connection.

Your partner might feel “not heard” and like communication is a “one way street.”

Or…your style might be to not say a whole lot or be very careful when you do because you just don’t want to rock the boat.

You might be wary to say what you are really thinking so you hold back and just agree or keep silent.

Fights start when you don’t understand and you make up stories about what you think your partner has said. Figuring out your communication style and your partner’s is one way path to understanding.

2. Don’t make your partner’s communication style wrong but find places you can meet and grow together.

If we wanted to keep our relationship passionate and alive throughout the years, the two of us had to learn one big lesson–

Don’t make the other person wrong!

And that’s a big lesson when it comes to communication.

Susie can jump from one topic to the next (the typical feminine talent for multi-tasking) but Otto wants to stay on one topic until it’s completed (a typical male talent for laser-like focus until completion).

Talk about creating situations that are frustrating for both of us!

Now we could make each other wrong–or we could open to understanding each other and our “natural” inclinations.

In fact, the very health of our relationship has depended in a large part on us taking steps to understand each other.

And it starts with not making each other wrong.

In understanding, it doesn’t mean that we give over our power or collapse into the other person’s way.

It just means that we open to understanding and finding ways to come together–as well as making some agreements that help us do that.

Making your habitual, unconscious ways of communicating conscious–and not making each other wrong–can go a long way toward deepening love and connection.

3. Make the switch in your mind to communicate to connect and use words that draw your partner closer instead of pushing him or her away.

Communicating to connect starts with changing your mindset

An easy way to do that is to see your communication as a flow between you and your partner and not just a “one-way street.”

When you see this flow from your heart, you can be more open to each other.

It also helps to learn some attitudes, words and phrases that will help you stay in this “heart-space” and encourage your partner to do the same.

So much of what we say comes from old habits that don’t really serve us. We go on auto-pilot especially when things get tense and we’re not really conscious of what comes out of our mouths—even when it’s damaging to our relationship!

When you instead make the choice to use words that open your partner instead of close him or her, you are moving out of that relationship spiral and into understanding and greater loving.

We invite you to take an objective look at why you can’t talk to one another and then take some positive steps to start opening and connecting.

Communication doesn’t have to be hard.

It just needs to be conscious and about hearts connecting.

If you’re interested in learning some “magic words” that stop fights and help you say it right every time, watch our free video at

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About The Author – Susie & Otto Collins

Susie and Otto Collins are authors and Breakthrough Relationship Coaches who specialize in helping men and women find and keep love and spark that lasts. They are the authors of over a dozen books and courses on communication, jealousy, and keeping love alive, including “Magic Relationship Words” “Hypnotize His Heart” and “No More Jealousy.” Click here to get their free ebook “Passionate Spark~Lasting Love”.
Susie & Otto Collins