by Ineke Van Lint
Why is it so difficult to keep the juices flowing in your relationship? Is it inevitable that after some years the initial freshness turns into devastating boredom? Or worse, that two people who were first lovers end up hating and destroying each other?
Real love is supportive. Love yourself, love your dream, love your mission, love your life, and surely enough, a wonderful person will show up and love you even more.
Imagine a blossoming, appetizing, juicy red-and-yellow peach, and then see it transform into a dark-brown, wrinkled, dried-up prune. Where did the freshness go? Where did the juice go? Where did the life go? The envelope is still there, the outside still exists, but inside there is nothing left: no more life, no more pleasure, no more fun, no more love, only vinegar.
In the beginning of a relationship, the juices flowing through your body are boosted up by the attention and interest of that significant other. Everything looks great, you’re blossoming, even your body is “filled up” by the other’s attention for you. Attention is a powerful form of energy, and energy is what makes things run, move and flow. Energy is what makes things alive.
Without energy, there is no life. Without energy, there is only death. Every romantic relationship contains the risk that you start depending on the energy provided by your other half, rather than sourcing your energy yourself.
Reflect for a moment on this term: “your other half.” You need not depend on someone else to become a whole person. You can be complete by yourself. You don’t need an “other half” before you can be happy and productive. First learn to be a complete person by yourself. If you’re a woman, learn how to activate your masculine energy, and if you’re a man, activate your feminine energy. Only by balancing yourself and sharing your own completeness can you aspire to make love last forever.
When you depend too much on the energy of your spouse, you will feel the need to possess this person in order to fulfill your daily energy needs. When you’re not able to establish your own energy connection, you will feel the need to control the other in order to receive enough energy to get by. Can you imagine how tragic this is?
You have to remain in control of the other person all of the time! One day he might start giving his energy to someone else; then what are you going to do? You would probably collapse, and this you can’t afford, so therefore you have to stay in control. To control is to possess, and in the process you are reducing the other to the level of an object. He or she is no longer seen as a person, but as a “thing to be controlled,” like a toy-car with remote control.
This is no way to live. This is anxiety. This is stress. Most of the time you feel anxious, because you never know exactly what the other is doing. What a waste of energy! If you are so completely focused on the behavior of others, you will never be able to move on with your own life. You are doomed to live a life of fear, trying to control other people, and be ever restless.
In the end you cannot control another person, and so this attitude doesn’t give any rest to your soul. You will be continually subjected to stress, anxiety, sleeplessness, fear, and anger. Every time you feel you are losing control, anger will get a hold of you and you will throw a tantrum in an attempt to gain back control.
What a miserable life! No relationship can withstand this kind of pressure, so it’s bound to collapse and explode in your face. You will end up alone.
Will you start this killing game all over again with a new victim? How to stop this attitude and create a love that lasts? You must concentrate on yourself rather than on the other. Yes, I know, this sounds like a paradox. But by focusing on YOUR mission on earth, on what is important for YOU, you will be filled with energy.
You need to first find out how you can be a complete person just by yourself. The only way to do this is to find out what your mission on earth is all about, what are your passions, why you are here, and then to focus on this all the time.
You should set suitable goals for yourself and do everything to reach them. You need to stick to your own dreams, the ones you had BEFORE knowing this person with whom you are having a romantic relationship. You have to go back to the person YOU were BEFORE you met him or her. Stick to that person, stick to yourself, instead of sticking to you partner.
Be faithful to your own dreams. Only this way can you be loyal to your relationship! You cannot give what you don’t have. If you cannot be loyal to yourself, you cannot be loyal to your spouse. If you lose yourself in the relationship, you will loose the relationship. If you abandon your own dreams, the relationship will abandon you.
First and foremost you should focus on yourself. Your dreams, your goals, your truth. Somebody who really loves you will love you even more if you are being your true self. Someone who cannot love you when you follow your excitement is not worth being loved by you!
If your husband is angry with you because you take time to achieve your goals, then he is not supportive. If your wife is jealous because you have success and she doesn’t, then that is her problem.
Don’t lose yourself in the arms of the other but stick to yourself, and your love will last. Focus on your own mission, focus on the reason why YOU are here on earth, make your mission the first priority in your life, and you will be loved for WHO you are.
This is real love. Real love is supportive. Love yourself, love your dream, love your mission, love your life, and surely enough, a wonderful person will show up and love you even more. What you are able to give to yourself, you will get back thousandfold from the outside world. If you are already in the energy of love, by simply loving yourself, then you will attract love from outside into your life.
Make love last by loving yourself first.
Written by Ineke Van Lint, psychologist and writer. Discover who you are and learn to say yes to yourself! Find your passion and create your very own success. Go to www.theenthusiasm.com and take our offer: a free e-course to find the purpose of your life. Reward: an everlasting enthusiasm!