What do you do when you’re jealous? 

You may try to find out if your lover has been with someone else.  If he or she has, you might go into a rage.  It is a fairly common and immediate response.  You are angry.  You feel violated.  You want revenge.  You want to stop what is happening, control the situation, and manipulate whatever you can to protect yourself.

If you can cool down, if you can control this internal, knee jerk reaction, you just might discover that you have an alternative. Often, what feels like jealousy really is a lack of communication.

When we leave our needs unspoken, they can lie in wait like a crouching tiger until someone, something or some event exposes them.  It is essential to communicate clearly and explicitly with your partner about your needs and expectations.

It is also important to understand the distinct difference between loving and being attached. It is an important distinction because so frequently what we call love is really attachment.

Loving someone means loving the uniqueness of that person.  Attachment is quite different. You can love your partner and want to see them thrive, enjoy, and grow.  You want to see them become more of who they are.  That’s the truth of love.

On the other hand, you may want your partner to conform to a preconceived idea of what you think they should be or perhaps to what is convenient or comfortable for you.  That is Attachment.   This is a distinction that needs to be understood before you can understand your relationship or what needs to be done.

If your relationship is based on Attachment, you will quickly discover and experience the pain of jealousy.  Our life, our surroundings and the people around us mirror what is going on inside us.

If you are angry, you will find yourself living in an angry world. 

You will see the anger in all the people around you and you will feel it.  What you focus on is what you get.  Wouldn’t it be far more enjoyable to feel and focus on joy, happiness, fulfillment and love.

Mirrors are a good thing because they give us an opportunity to observe what is going on in ourselves and fix it.  Whatever illusions you may have as to who is to blame or who is at fault, the jealousy is within you, a mirror of what is going on inside you.

Attempting to manipulate and control your lover is a poor solution.  Manipulation of your partner is an external attempt to “fix” an internal problem.

Looking inward, you can use the situation that caused the jealousy to bubble up into your consciousness as an opportunity to clarify communication between the two of you, to better understand yourself and your partner.

Jealousy is like an onion, layers of misunderstanding, misperceptions and misleading which can be overwhelming and so difficult that it makes you cry.  If you work at peeling off the layers, you can reach the core of the problem, you can achieve the possibility of self-understanding and freedom from the hurt and pain.

The first layer is your subconscious ideas and feelings about how one is supposed to act in a relationship.  What do you believe and where does this belief come from?  Do you believe that your partner is your possession?  Can one person actually be the possession of another?  Should they be?

If you believe that you must possess the other person, then you are not in a loving relationship.  Whatever control you think you exert over your partner, you cannot really touch the inner uniqueness that comprises a human being.

As you continue to go deeper inside you reveal even more layers of this “onion” including projection, envy and guilt.  By peeling away these layers, you can reach awareness.

Projection, envy, and guilt are nothing more than pointers to the truth behind your feelings. 

Becoming aware of what you are actually feeling and discovering the source behind it can give you the power to alleviate the pain.  If you can reveal the true feelings, separate them from the perceived jealously, it is possible to relieve the pain.

You do not need to control another and you do not need to be afraid. You can choose to move away from those feelings.  You can experience love itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness.