For the past five years Susan has been on a dating roller coaster. Every guy she dates has the same two qualities. They are exciting at the start, and they eventually treat her like dirt.
She isn’t foolish, and she doesn’t enjoy being mistreated. It’s just that Susan, like a lot of women, hates being bored by a man.
The only way she knows how to tell if a guy will make her happy is whether she feels a “connection” with him. And the sooner she feels it, the better.
With that as her measure for picking a man, she keeps dating men who excite her and make her feel a little out of control.
Here’s How It Always Starts
In the beginning, every one of these men seems kind and sincere. They seem certain of how they feel about her.
At first they can’t get enough of her. The flowers come, then the late phone calls, then the rush of feeling like she has finally found someone special.
He tells her he feels the same way. And for a little while, she believes him.
But the bliss never lasts. With each boyfriend, the same familiar pattern shows up. Only the details change.
One just stopped calling. Another started picking fights every time they went out. Another suddenly decided she needed to “get in shape.”
Why Would She Choose Someone So Cold?
When her friends hear about it, they rush to her defense and tell her to dump the guy. They never understand why she would stay with someone so rude and distant.
Yet every time she decides to end it, her doubts start talking.
Maybe, she wonders, something she said or did made him pull away. So she spends hours turning it over, trying to figure out what she did to bring on his behavior.
Mean Men Come In Different Varieties
Each man had his own way of being cold to her. Steve went quiet and distant whenever she wasn’t ready to drop everything for a date. Jim turned rude and argumentative the moment she dared to disagree with him. Alex started complaining that she was gaining weight.
Each one got worse instead of better. Each one, in his own way, started treating her with contempt in front of other people. Some only called when they wanted something. Others just stopped calling at all.
So Susan came into my office and asked me if something was wrong with her. It couldn’t just be a coincidence that nearly every man she dates turns out to be a jerk, could it? She feels such a strong connection with each of them. If that isn’t how you tell a good man from a bad one, then what is?
Susan, I’m glad you asked. Are you sure you’re ready for the answer? Because it isn’t what you think.
Time Reveals Who a Man Really Is
The answer is that time always reveals the difference between a real man and a boy pretending to be one. Don’t confuse intense feelings with genuine ones.
Almost any man can be charming and intoxicating in the moment, because in that moment he really does feel that way toward you.
But a man who is insecure can’t hold onto that warmth. It was never about you. It was about getting what he wanted. The minute he gets bored or irritated, the cold side shows up.
Susan, stop believing you can read a man’s heart by the words he uses. Men who are jerks often sound the most convincing, because in that moment they mean every word.
The Signs You Already Noticed
You don’t need a test to spot one of these men. Your gut usually knows before your heart wants to admit it.
He only seems to want you late at night, never on a regular evening when the two of you could actually be a couple.
He introduces you to his friends as “a friend,” even after months of telling you how special you are behind closed doors.
The small things don’t add up. The story about the perfume, the text he won’t explain, the night he can’t quite account for.
He guards his phone like it holds a secret, because it usually does.
And every time you try to put a name on what the two of you are, he turns it into a joke and changes the subject.
None of these are random. They are the same insecurity showing up in everyday life. A man who is sure of you doesn’t need to hide you, dodge you, or keep you guessing.
Sometimes it goes deeper than a bad match. When the lies and the coldness never let up, you may be dealing with a man who pulls women in on purpose.
Lose the Damsel in Distress Act
Susan, start acting like you have value instead of acting like you need to be rescued.
It is okay if a relationship grows slowly. With men, slow is usually better, and in the beginning you may have to be the one who keeps it that way.
Men who are jerks are self-centered. They are only interested in a woman as long as she stays exciting and easy. Keep them entertained and they adore you.
The moment you show a doubt, a real feeling, or a less-than-perfect day, they blame you for ruining a “perfect relationship.”
The truth is they can’t stand a real, complete woman. They want a fantasy. A girlfriend who is always happy and never expects much. They aren’t interested in growing. They are interested in having fun.
Susan, you deserve better. And if you’ll let me, I’ll show you how to have the man of your dreams without getting hurt by the bad boys who disguise themselves as wonderful men.
