Have you ever known women that always seem to date men that are never available?
A relationship with a narcissist can feel like two different polar opposite lives.
And NO one….aspires to be in a dark pit of a relationship, fighting for your own survival on a daily basis. But yet…That would be absurd to think that we want that for ourselves.
And yet we’re smack dab in the middle, barely coming up for air.
How did we end up here? Couldn’t we see it coming? Why didn’t we run away at the first sign of abuse?
So how do we attract narcissists?
How Do We Unconsciously Attract Narcissists … and What Attracts Us to Them?
I can tell you that it’s an unconscious thing. And it happened to me. Narcissists build you up and put you on a pedestal so high so you need them to get that same high feeling.
I mean what else has ever made you feel that way?
And then they slowly throw a jab in here or there to see if you will stay. And each time it gets a little worse, but you still get the attention and pedestal feeling so you barely notice.
But each time the abuse happens, the knife gets deeper and deeper. You get smaller and smaller, lower and lower. You start realizing that something isn’t right, but you stay because you’ve convinced yourself that he’s (she’s) not like this all the time.
You start to analyze your own self, trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong that’s triggered him (or her) to be this way.
Each day is like starting all over again. You try to tear his (or her) walls down and get close only to have him push you away and start the cycle all over again.
You start to feel like you are crazy!!!
Some days you’re convinced that it’s him (or her). He must have been hurt so badly as a child that makes him be this way.
Numerous times I remember saying “Who did this to you?” My heart broke for someone that could be so damaged that they wouldn’t allow anyone close to them.
And then other days he had me convinced that I was obsessed, and I had the problem.
I did have a problem!…a big problem!
I was allowing my soft, caring heart to lead me astray. I trusted my heart to lead me, but my heart was too damaged. It couldn’t take care of me. Instead, I put it in the hands of a man that almost destroyed it.
You see, my soft heart was a weakness to him. He would say that I needed to grow up. I was weak and just like all the other women out there.
I didn’t want someone to have that kind of power over me, so I began a personal quest to prove that I was different. I wasn’t like ALL the rest.
I was grown up, but my heart wasn’t.
I was still the little girl that wanted to be accepted and loved, just the way I was.
I just wanted a man to see me and show me that I was enough. So, the cycle of me trying to prove myself went on and on. Prove to him that I wouldn’t leave him like so many others had. Prove that I could handle him. Prove that I was strong.
So, I attracted this man to beat me up on the inside because honestly, I didn’t trust myself with my own heart.
I was saying without words “Please take my heart; it’s no good to me, I can’t be trusted with it. “You couldn’t possibly hurt it any more than it’s already been hurt.”
This wasn’t the first time a man hurt me like this. Maybe not in a love affair but definitely by someone who I’d trusted unconditionally.
So why do we attract narcissists?
- We have a soft caring heart.
- We have a deep desire to help people, even if it’s at our own expense.
- We are damaged. Our hearts are hurting, maybe even numb. We want to feel again. Even if it’s terrible pain, at least we’ll know we are alive.
- We need to feel important like we matter.
- We just want to be loved. We’ve never experienced what real love looks like or feels like.
Attracting men like this isn’t something we strive to do but how do we get out of this habit and start to attract the love we want from a man?
Or how do we decide if this relationship is even worth fighting for? Can he change? What can you do to turn this cycle around?