You’ve been dating a great guy for about nine months now and things seem to be going very well. You are attracted to him, enjoy hanging out, and can see a great future ahead. All is well… until he tells you that he’s having doubts about the relationship.
Fortunately this doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. There’s a lot you can do get the relationship back on track. Here’s four tips to navigate his doubts and help him avoid making the big mistake of losing you.
1) Talk It Out
If your man says he’s having doubts, it’s important to get to the bottom of what he’s feeling. Don’t accuse. Don’t nag. Simply ask him to open up to you. For example, you could tell him, “I understand you’re feeling doubts about our relationship. Tell me more.” Truly listen to him. Don’t try to shoot down and contradict everything he says. You may want to do just that! Don’t take what he says too seriously or his comments sting you, no matter how hurtful they may seem. Collect your thoughts, encourage him to continue, and make him feel heard. Try to look at things objectively and from his perspective. Where is he coming from? Why does he feel this way?
The truth is that his doubts aren’t likely to be rational. It may be that he’s just overwhelmed or that he hasn’t dated enough to realize that it’s normal for any couple to go through periods where their passion isn’t as strong.
If he mentions something specific, and you don’t feel like you can handle this possibly painful experience without losing your temper, ask a relationship counselor to help. They may act as a mediator. Whether you talk to him alone or with a therapist, let him know that you hear and appreciate where he’s coming from and that you’re willing to work things out with him.
2) Re-Create That Loving Feeling
Do you remember the wonderful feeling you felt when you first met your man? Now is the time to recreate that feeling. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut in today’s busy world. Step back and ask yourself, “What can I do to bring back the connection we had at the beginning?” Above all please remember this, it’s the woman that has the biggest impact on romance, not the man.
Don’t think that’s true? I promise that while a man may pursue you and believe it was his idea, he’s just responding to your subtle signals. The glance you give him across the room, the way you touch your hair. Let’s face it, when you want to get his attention…he doesn’t stand a chance. Dress yourself up a bit like you did early in the relationship. Make time for him.
3) Don’t Beg… Really
If your man tells you that he’s having doubts, one of the worst things you can do is to beg. He’s fearful and begging only makes his fears more intense. I know you want him to reassure you, but he can’t….at least not right now. It is at this moment that he needs to see that even though you might be scared, you will maintain your value.
My daughter will be dating soon and I’ve worked very hard to remind her that any boy/man that doesn’t’ realize how lucky he is to be with her, then he’s not worthy. I’m not saying this is easy, but it is powerful. When you feel like begging remember that at this moment what he needs is for you not to take his doubts too seriously. If you beg, you’ll confirm his worst fears and send him packing.
4) Give It Some Time
If there isn’t an obvious issue, like an unresolved conflict, then most doubts go away over time. Often it’s simply because the relationship started very intensely and suddenly it doesn’t feel as intense has it used to. Even though this is normal, it doesn’t feel normal to him. While he’s sorting through his feelings do this:
Don’t be too available with your time. Spend less time with him than he wants. I know this seems counter intuitive, but I’ve written more about this in my book How Do I Get Him Back. It’s a powerful strategy once you know how to use it correctly.
If he’s the right one, he’ll see you for the gem you are and will quickly be back by your side. If not… it’s time to find the man who will be there for you and love you for the woman you are.