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In today’s article I want to address a client’s concern, let’s call her Ana, about why she is still single after all the years of dating and looking for her man.
Here is her question –
“Sami, I am good looking, tall, I make lots of money. I date sometimes. May be not as much as you would like us women to date, but I do date. Why am I still single at 37 years of age? Will I ever find him? Thank you!”
I know exactly how you feel Ana because not long ago, I was in your place.
In fact, I wasn’t even “wondering” anymore if something was wrong with me. I was “sure” of it.
What felt like an “unsurpassable” reality back then quickly turned around for me when I stopped leaving my love life to “chance,” “god,” “fate” and decided to take it in my own hands and do something about it.
Now to really know the answer as to why you are still single Ana, I would need to know you more. I would need to dig deeper into your particular patterns. I would need to see what your beliefs about love are, what kind of relationship you have with your parents, what your childhood was like and what kind of “men and dating habits” you have that are keeping you stuck where you are! As you can imagine, this would need some deep inner work, not possible to lay out within an article.
However, what I can give you today is some very common reasons why many women stay single, drawing from the experiences I have with my clients from all over the world.
Of course, there is no perfect man on this planet and looking for him will only lead you to dead ends.
You attract plenty of men easily but nobody seems to stay for a committed relationship.
If a man treats you well, he may not be good looking enough or rich enough or humorous enough or have enough of a “personality” according to your checklist.
When you do find a man who is handsome, has financial stability, has a sense of humor, he doesn’t seem to treat you well enough or there is some other problem with him.
Anybody been there? Can you see the common point in these situations?
You are rejecting men fast and it’s all based on your checklist!
Can you see how it’s so damn hard to have all those criteria met on your checklist and come together?
Does this mean you should settle for less? Not at all.
It simply means you should give way more men a chance to date you and not be so quick to reject someone if they don’t meet 100% of your criterion right away.
Remember – Love develops over time! You need time to see through a man’s soul and he does too!
If it’s feeling “too exciting” on the first date itself, you need to slow down else you will be caught in what I call my famous “chemistry trap.”
Yes, whether you are aware of it or not, many women are often looking for a man just like them.
For instance, if you are successful in your professional life, you probably look for someone who is equally if not more successful. If you are tall, you look for a man who is taller or equally tall. If you are ambitious and have lots of goals, you look for a man with goals and ambition and a personality.
Have you ever heard the saying opposites attract and similars repel?
Well, this might be happening to your love life too!
If you are a gutsy, bold, primarily “masculine energied” woman, you have to either learn to be in your feminine energy if you want a man like yourself or you have to choose a man who can complement your masculine energy with his feminine energy.
This means, if you are in a stressful, demanding profession, you may want to consider “deliberately” going for a man who is in a softer profession like music, writing, and art so that when you return home, there is love and support!
In other words, choose a partner that complements your primary energy and not the one with “your” kind of energy.
Don’t get me wrong. Being strong is a great thing!
I love and truly admire strong women but not when it prevents me from seeing their “human” side. I think it’s the same for men.
They don’t have a problem that you’re strong but if you don’t let them “into your heart,” your beautiful vulnerability and sweet imperfections, you are essentially not allowing connection to happen.
Men like to feel needed, they like to feel like they can do something for you even though they know that you are strong and you don’t “need” it!
Hence allowing him to pick you up for a date instead of saying, “No, I’ll get there myself,” or letting him plan the date instead of being the “Social Captain” of the relationship, are just a few examples to create that positive space a man needs in a romantic relationship to be drawn to you.
If this truth about men’s nature makes you cringe – You can either hate it or you can embrace it and transform your love life by using this knowledge in your favor. The choice is yours!
Single and only dating on and off?
To put it straight, it doesn’t work!
If you meet 4 eligible bachelors a year, there’s a very low possibility that you will find a husband among them. If you date 120 bachelors a year, the possibility of finding one that will fit your life style and meet your needs will get much higher.
Hence, as you said Ana, if you are not dating like I ask you to do, it might actually take you quite some time (may be even years) to find your Mr. Forever.
My intention is not to scare you. My intention is to show you the facts for what they are so that you wake up before it’s too late.
Lastly, will you ever find him? A loud, resounding, thumping yes!
With awareness and clarity, matched by supporting positive action in the direction of your love goals, you can have the man you want – you just have to be willing to learn and apply some new skills in love!
Ana, I hope this brings some clarity to your dating process. There can be so many other reasons like timing, work pressures and logistical challenges that can also come in the way of finding your partner. However, assuming all of that is fine and you are truly “looking,” these reasons will show you why it’s probably not working out for you.
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