For the past five years Susan has been on a dating roller coaster. Each guy she dates has two identical qualities; they are always exciting and eventually treat her like dirt!
Now she isn’t stupid and doesn’t enjoy being mistreated. It’s just that she, like many women, loathes being bored by a man.
It seems to Susan that the only way to tell if a guy will make her happy is if she feels a “connection” with him (and the sooner the better). With this being her measure of how to pick a man, she finds herself dating men who excite her AND make her feel out of control.
In fact, in the beginning, every one of these men seems so nice and sincere, certain of their love for her.
At first, they can’t get enough of her.
Flowers are followed by phone calls which frequently culminates into wild passionate sex.
With each man, she feels she has found someone special. After all, they tell her that they feel the same way toward her…but this bliss never lasts. With each boyfriend, the same familiar pattern begins to emerge. Only the details are different.
One boyfriend just stopped calling her; the other began picking fights with her whenever they went on a date. Still another guy suddenly developed the need to point out how she needed to “get in shape.”
When her friends hear of such bad behavior, they rush to her defense and tell her to “just dump the guy.” They never understand why she would want to be with someone so rude, disrespectful and cold.
Yet whenever she resolves to end a relationship, her doubts begin to speak to her.
Perhaps, she wonders, something she said or did has caused her boyfriend to become suddenly disenchanted with her. In fact, she often spends hours thinking and thinking about what she has done to bring on his bad behavior.
Each man has a different method of being mean to her. Steve suddenly became emotionally distant when she wasn’t ready to go out on a date. Jim became rude and argumentative after she “dared” to disagree with his opinion that homeless individuals need to be hauled off to jail. Alex was the best (or worst). He started complaining that Susan was gaining weight after a particular uninspiring evening in the bedroom.
Each man gets worse rather than better. They each, in their own way, begin to treat Susan with contempt in public. Some only call her when they are aroused, while others just stop calling her altogether.
So Susan found her way into my office to ask me if there was something wrong with her. It couldn’t simply be a coincidence that nearly every man she dates turns out to be a jerk, could it? After all, she feels such an emotional connection with each of them. If that isn’t the way to identify a good guy from a jerk, then what is?
Susan, I’m glad you’re asking. Are you sure you are ready to hear the answer?…because it isn’t going to be what you thought. Yes, I’m ready.
As you wish. The answer is that time always reveals the difference between a real man and a loser. Don’t confuse intense feelings with genuine ones. Any man can be charming, wonderful and intoxicating in the moment, because at that particular moment, they really do feel that way toward you.
Those that are insecure will not be able to maintain their passion because it is based solely on getting what they want. Once they get the least bit bored or irritated, their nasty disposition will surface.
Susan, stop pretending that you are intuitive enough to discern a man’s heart based on the words he uses…because you’re not. Men that are jerks always sound convincing when they are motivated. Men don’t take words as seriously as women do, at least not in regards to women; the exception being the “M” word (for Marriage).
Susan, start acting like you have value instead of behaving like you need to be rescued. It is o.k. if a relationship grows slowly. In fact with men, it is actually preferred and you may have to be the one to keep it slow in the beginning.
Men that are jerks are self-centered and are only interested in a woman who is exciting. As long as you make them feel excited, they will be enchanted by you. The moment you dare to reveal any doubts, feelings or less-than-perfect characteristics, they will blame you for ruining a “perfect relationship.”
In other words, jerks can’t stand a real complete woman. They’re too interested in having someone who is always happy, upbeat and rarely has a down day. What they want is a fantasy; a perpetual girlfriend who knows better than to expect too much from them. They aren’t interested in growing; only in having fun.
Susan, you deserve better and if you’ll let me, I’ll show you how you can have the man of your dreams without getting hurt by bad boys who disguise themselves as wonderful men.